I know enough about my partner’s past and I am not worried about how my partner might act in the future.

It takes a certain amount of time for people to get to know one another well enough to make a life-long commitment to each other. Most American couples know each other for at least a year before they marry. The less we know about someone, the greater potential there is to be surprised after we are married.

Because most people are not aware of their shortcomings as much as others recognize them, it cannot hurt to ask one’s partner, “What do I say or do at times that you would like me to change?” Some partners might point to bad habits that they would like their partners to discontinue, while others might suggest that their partners put into practice certain actions they may find lacking. For example, a partner might suggest, “I’d like you to spend less time on the computer” or “I wish you would be more helpful with the household chores.” Unless partners are interested in making improvements in their lives, and unless they are willing to articulate their respective expectations, their relationships might be deprived of growth that otherwise could occur.

Past performance is often an indicator of future behavior. While we can change, we can only change to a certain degree. Are there certain problematic actions on the part of your partner rooted in the past that you would like to see changed? Have you discussed these matters with your partner? How do you feel these actions may be harming your relationship? Can these problems be solved between yourselves or do you believe that professional help is in order? See how your partner might respond to the question, “What can I do to exceed your expectations?”